2 Poems by me .... First a back story of how they came about .... on Saturday after I talked to My Love ♥ - after a rough day emotionally for us ... it's like everything hit us at once ... him being denied parole again, the phones @ the new facility suck so bad it's not even funny & other little things with that place ... and as I was waiting the 20 minutes for him to keep trying to use the phone ("all circuits are busy" *rolls eyes*) to call me back a 2nd time - I grabbed my pen & paper and for the first time in awhile a couple poems of sorts came to me .... He'll be reading these in his Monday jpay, but I felt I should post them here too ... maybe so others can get a glimpse into this head of mine concerning the denial, transfer to new facility, etc.

I know some people may think I share too much on my [facebook] status' but reality is, I really don't - I keep so much shit bottled up or only share my true feelings with My Love ♥ - I mean sure I share about my love for him & sometimes my bitchiness, but rarely my sadness - my falling apart emotionally ...

Anyhow, I've rambled a lot in the intro lol ... so here ya go ...

1.

this bed is cold & lonely
this heart is sad & scared
this mind is dark & dreary
this hope is fading & falling
this love is strong & brave
this us is always & forever

- written by becky a. smith 08.28.10

2.

thinking of eleven more years
until you’re physically here with me
breaks my heart but, your love mends
it back together every night
giving me a new strength to
carry through another day

- written by becky a. smith 08.28.10

*The eleven years thing is how much longer until he maxes out
I don't believe he'll max out, but it is a growing fear of mine.

So something over the weekend got me to thinking on the topic of marriage. how different people view it differently. For example, it seems to me there are a few people who will not acknowledge my husband as that & myself as his wife until we are legally married. I guess I didn't expect that since within my family & friends, they see him & I as we do - so I just thought others would see it the same. so because of learning that, i got to thinking and ended up posting this as my status message on here:

" a legal marriage is 'just a piece of paper', u don't need 1 for urselves, just 4 every1 else who won't accept ur marriage within ur hearts w/out it! we are gonna make us legal - no doubts about it -- just don't like that some people won't accept we are already husband & wife just because we don't have that legal piece of paper ~ oh well - It Is What It Is! and the Future looks Beautiful & Bright!! ♥ "

One of my friends made a comment to me on it, agreeing with what I was saying - so that got me thinking more & I responded with this:
" I believe there are 2 types of marriage ~ there is the Spiritual Marriage that binds people heart & soul (which him & I did officially on 12/27/1992 & Renewed Forever on 11/07/2009) and then there is the Legal Marriage where the 2 people involved only look at the legal aspects of being married"

Which then led me to doing a google search to see what others thought too, after doing some reading I came back with more feelings, more thoughts & more knowledge on this topic and instead of posting a HUGE reply to my status, that is when I decided to write a note on the topic. So here is the rest of my thought process on this topic ....

I know for myself, my first marriage was not for love, the marriage was for legal reasons only, nothing more. I also know his first marriage was not based on love either. So for us, we know the legal marriage is strictly for our legal rights with each other - we need it for that, & apparently for some people to recognize our marriage to each other. As far as we are concerned, we are already married to each other.

David & I have already fully committed ourselves to each other, we've already said our vows to each other, we have already in every aspect, except legal, married each other. This is all we need for our love, our commitment, our devotion ... all of it! I am his wife & he is my husband fully ~ I'm rambling now - sorry haha

Here's a few things I found by others that I liked concerning this topic --

"In the essence of love & life, & your commitment to each other, yes it's just a piece of paper. To the government, it's the world"

"A Marriage License makes it legal, its just a legal agreement between two people"

"I think people confuse marriage with a marriage license! The piece of paper is just what makes the marriage legal in the eyes of the law. But marriage itself is more than a piece of paper, marriage is a deep commitment that is about love, unity, support, trust, faith, being with the one person you truly, deeply & wholly love for the rest of your life. Marriage is a vow to the person you are with that you will be with them for the rest of their & your life because they are your heart & soul"

If interested in our story ... "A Thing Called ... Love"

***Last Updated 09.04.2011***

So for those curious ... here's a short version of my love ... the long version would take me days to tell or even write lol - so this is what I got for ya Any questions feel free to comment and/or email me

I occasionally Update this when needed.

This was originally written/started January 18, 2010
[Updates are added towards bottom & are clearly noted as an update & with the date]

♥ Truly, Always & Forever ♥

I'm Happily Married to my soulmate!! We are lost love's that found each other again & rekindled what we had ... The depth of our love, the strength of our bond .. is unlike anything else we've ever had with anyone else - an untouchable, unbreakable Love. Wasting those 16 years fighting what we felt inside, fighting that pull back to each other.

We're both ecstatic we finally stopped fighting Fate's hand to bring us back together & thankful our Eternal Flame continued burning all these years as it has. He is my everything, as I am his! We do have obstacles & hurdles in front of us ... but, he's worth it for me, I'm worth it for him ... and we're worth it for each other! We will never go another day without the other in it, even if we can't physically be together right now every day - our hearts are with each other every day, every hour, every minute, every second!

Yes ~ it's a sappy, mushy love story - it's Our Love Story ... a Great True Love that even time, distance & hurdles couldn't keep apart!

The curious I'm sure would like to know if Our Love is so great why did it end to begin with? well that lays on myself; as I had a very manipulative sister who played a lot of mind games on me all my life and yes I allowed, in a sense, her to get into my head & change the facts and truth about what him & I had ... so I broke up with him, even though I was 4 or so months pregnant with our son. He ran a few states south to try to escape the pain he was in ... I ran north in the same state, to escape mine. We both tried to move on, even gave outward appearances we had, but reality within us - we never moved on. So yes, because of it all - we were without each other, living lives that weren't our destiny and caught in the middle was our son who went almost 16 years never knowing his real dad. Thankfully, I did right by our son and he never had any bad feelings towards his dad (or his family) & has welcomed his dad fully into his life Our son is also very happy we are together now, he supports us & stands beside us

Well there ya go, the short version

- Here's a Time Line ...
We met in 1992 ; our first date was Dec. 27th 1992 with our 2nd date Dec 31st 1992 after that we spent the next 5 or so months together practically 24/7 (yep by end of Jan 1993 we were living together). Broke up late May 1993 - our son was born Oct 27th 1993. September 14th 2009 I contacted him by sending a letter to him (he is in prison) ... that is where our rekindled love story starts up.

We count Sept. 23rd 2009 as our official "got back together" date. We Renewed Our Heart Vows to each other as husband & wife on November 7th 2009. Within our hearts we committed as Spiritual Husband & Wife Dec 27th 1992 & though we were on different paths for 16 of those years, the bond of our Love for each other never seized. Our hopeful date to make us Legal is December 27th 2012 [You may be interested in reading "Thoughts on what makes a couple Husband & Wife"

I travel 3 hours each way every other Saturday to visit him, sometimes every Saturday if money allows. We get about 10 hours together. The chairs suck haha, but we do get to sit next to each other, can hold hands - we talk about so much & of course have those moments where we get lost in each others eyes Our first visit was Nov. 1st 2009, that month it wasn't quite every other Sat. as we were still working out the schedule. He calls me atleast once a day - sadly the calls are limited to 15 minutes each, but we take what we can. We write to each other all the time too.

One day soon this part of our lives will be a thing in our past and we'll finally be together fully again. Until then we cherish every letter, every call & every visit we can get!
-----

- **UPDATE JULY 30TH 2010** -

We last seen each other June 5th 2010 - we got in trouble for pushing the rules to far (yes being alittle dumb & not thinking - getting alittle lost in the moment you could say - it wasn't nothing out there, if ya know what I mean but it was breaking the rules no matter how dumb we think they are) and we lost our visiting privileges :*( It's a "permanent" restriction, but after 6 months we can petition the warden of his facility to reinstate them. July 1st 2010 he had his 2nd parole hearing - his first one was Dec 9th 2009 which resulted in a flop (denial) due to MDOC not getting him into the required group *rolls eyes* - well with budget issues in our state they are starting to allow some to take the needed group outside as a condition of parole so he was called back 1 month into his 12 month flop, which surprised us. The hearing went well, but it does take 2 parole members with same vote - so though the 1st says parole if the 2nd says flop then a 3rd is the tie breaker. if the 2nd agrees to parole then no need for 3rd one. We're still awaiting the decision (they say allow up to 30-45days for it), which has been torture on both of us. His last hearing we didn't hold on to much hope because of the rules then, but with the changes we know there's actually hope he really could be finally coming home to me where he has always belonged ♥ I will of course post as a status & update this once we have a decision .... His ERD (Earliest Release Date)/Minimum was June 2010 - his Max Out is September 2021 so of course we're hoping for a parole or TIS being revoked/Good Time restored for our state - though I'll wait as long as needed because this Love is for Life, but yeah having him physically here with me every day would be much better lol

- **UPDATE AUGUST 31st 2010** -

Took 54 days after hearing to get decision & it took the interviewer 41 days to decide to flop him :*( Took the 2nd parole member 7 days after that to agree. Got decision August 25th. We wouldn't be so angry about the decision, except that the interviewer voted the opposite of what he pretty much said he was gonna. He had said "you've been in there too long & time for you to go home" & "you'll never get group in there", so it's like, wow him signing those flop papers is basically him saying he wants My Love ♥ to max out - I lost what little hope I had in the board & part of me is preparing myself for another 11 years of this bullshit until he does max out - but, I'm not quitting nor will I ever - our love is worth all the bullshit the system does to us, they won't break me, him or us from our dreams coming true - us being fully together as one ♥ again - because they can't hold him forever.

Same day we got word he was being transferred to another facility - which is good news as he has needed to be moved outta the current for awhile. Hopefully he is being transferred to a facility closer to me & we're able to lift our visiting ban, as I so need to see him it's been almost 3 months since we last seen each other :*( And hopefully this transfer is to finally get him into the class the board wants him to have before letting him go (though with changes they could've let him take it outside as part of parole, so that's why we were hopeful he'd get a parole) - so when he sees the board again in about 6 months or so that time we'll get the answer we so desperately want to see. -

He was moved slightly closer to me - a whole 30 minutes closer lol - so when I get my visits back instead of a 3 hour drive each way, it'll be 2 1/2 hours. His new counselor/rum confirmed they do offer the class/group there he needs, so yay ~ now put him IN that 6 month thing so he can finally get it done! She also told him that in Sept, 3 months after the incident that caused our restriction he can start sending kites to see the warden to beg for our visits back. She briefly looked over the case & said she didn't see why we wouldn't get them back. I hope she's right.

- **UPDATE JANUARY 20TH 2011** -

Well it's been awhile since I updated this. He was suppose to see the board again middle of November 2010 - yes 3 times in front of the board in less than 12 months - all while they still had not put him in the group they said he needed before they would release him *sigh* So of course they flopped him yet again. That time instead of a 12 month flop they did an 18 month (??) and instead of starting the clock on the decision date as they're suppose to, they added it on top of his previous flop making it so his next reconsideration date isn't until Dec 2012! Thankfully, we know they will call him back in front of them long before that, but it's the principle of it. Why call him back again when you know you're gonna flop him and then basically give him that long of a flop. He found out the decision the 20th of Nov in the morning, in the evening he got a pass for a call out the next morning .... to finally start group! so yay! He should be done with it May 21st 2011. So I'm thinking the board is gonna see him in April or May 2011 and if he isn't done with group yet then they'll defer him (which means, hold off on making a decision) until the psych report is done (She has 30 days to complete and turn in all of them - there's 12 in the group). So it's possible he could get a parole late May or in June and they most likely will give him a NFD (Non Fixed Date) which means they must release him within 30 days of the decision date. So he could possibly be home end of June or sometime in July if the PB does what it should. But, ah yes we are talking about MDOC & the PB so it's all a guessing game on when they'll release someone. -- In the meantime we have submitted our request to get our visits back, we did that back in December. So hopefully any day now we get a response. With no response yet then that is looking good as it means the warden where he is approves of returning them and has sent it off for Lansing to either agree or disagree with him. Once that happens [assuming they agree & give back our visiting rights] then I'll need to submit another visit app and hope they follow through with my right to visit him being restored. The whole process, from start to finish, can take 3-4 months. Sometimes sooner. So it's possible we might get our visits back shortly before he hopefully comes home. **Oh we had to wait until Dec to request our visits back because in Aug shortly after the convo with that counselor he got notice they took all of his visiting rights (before they had only taken my right to visit, that letter stated he could no longer have visits from anyone) - it also stated he had to wait 6 months from the date of the letter to get them back. We submitted our letters to the warden alittle early - as December was 6 months from the incident and he was also told to start it early so by the time they restore it'll be the 6 month mark from when that letter was dated**

Now of course I'm living by the motto of "Expect the worse, but hope for the best" with both our visits and his parole. It's all I can do anymore with the lies & let downs we've gone through with MDOC so far. -- We're missing each other like crazy! Thankfully we can talk on the phone daily, that helps a lot. And of course we still write each other almost every day Just need to see each other too even if for only 10 hours in lousy plastic lawn type chairs! lol

Ok I'm done rambling lol

- **UPDATE AUGUST 6TH 2011** -

Been awhile again since I last updated this. In February we got word that his right to have visitors was reinstated, however mine could not be considered again until exactly 1 year after the incident! I am very happy to say though, that when June rolled around I did get my right back to visit again and early July my app was approved, so I can officially visit My Love ♥ again Unfortunately (!) the used car I had bought end of February broke down middle of June Even though it was a Ford it had a foreign motor in it *rolls eyes* so the cost to repair the clutch was going to be $1500 (between parts & labor), I paid $1300 for it & already put $700 into it so no way was I going to pay that, plus I didn't (still don't) have the money. So I now have no car (again) & no money to replace it *sigh* So though I can now visit again, I have no way to :*( ... also in June the new phone contract went into effect & the cost of calls doubled so we also can't talk as much as we could before [I have a huge rant about that phone contract & the price gouging & "special equipment fund" added on to jack the prices & make us, family & friends of inmates, make up for MDOC's budget shortage!! but, this is not the place]. David did successfully complete group May 21st 2011 & the psych had her report done within 1 week. We are still waiting for the board to request to see him again. Once that finally happens they should release him, as he has done everything required plus more.

- **UPDATE September 4th 2011** -

Yesterday, after almost 15 months, we finally got to visit again I was able to borrow a vehicle & I am so very thankful & grateful not only for that, but also my family for watching the younger 2 so that I could spend 11 wonderful hours with my husband

----------

♥.D&B.OurLoveIs4Ever! ♥ "My Heart, My Soul, My Life"

♥ Separated only by Time & Miles for 16 years during our journeys down our wrong paths, never by Heart or Soul! It's been wonderful being back with the only man who completes me in every sense!

♥ "Truly, Always & Forever is my love for him & his for me!"
♥ "No matter what people may say, I'm going to love him anyway!"
♥ "Looking into his eyes, I see all that I need"
♥ "Sometimes we make love with our eyes"
♥ "The flame of our love will never die, for it burns through the stars for eternity"
♥ "If the love is true and meant to be ~ You will feel it through the heart, mind, and soul"
♥ "Love is when two hearts become one. True love is when two souls become one."
♥ "True Love doesn't have a happy ending ... because True Love doesn't have an ending"
♥ "Love which has been tested by distance & obstacles and has passed .... is True Love"
♥ "I can't even fathom my life without him. My heart is his & his heart is mine. We are one"